List of The Colbert Report episodes (2009)

Colbert announces that Alan Colmes is joining him as co-host on his new show, Colbert and Colmes. They then discuss Roland Burris's appointment to the Senate, as well as Al Franken winning his Senate race in Minnesota. Colbert then premieres Chapter 3 in the Tek Jansen series. He then interviews John King about the media and politics. Finally, Colbert gets angry with Colmes and fires him.

Colbert begins with the Bernard Madoff scandal and interviews David Leonhardt about it. In "Better Know a District," he profiles Utah's 3rd congressional district and speaks with its congressman, Jason Chaffetz. Finally, Colbert interviews Matt Miller about his book, The Tyranny of Dead Ideas. The phrase next to Colbert in the opening credits changes to "COLMES-FREE SINCE 2009".

Colbert discusses nominations to President-elect Obama's Cabinet, including Bill Richardson, Leon Panetta and Sanjay Gupta. He then worries that Obama will seek to overturn Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. In "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger," he wags his finger at Chinese bootleggers, tips his hat to the EPA, wags his finger at scientists studying drug addiction by putting cocaine on bees and tips his hat to this year's honey. Finally, Colbert interviews Benicio del Toro about his new film, Che.

Colbert mentions The New York Times beginning to run ads on its front page. He then talks about Roland Burris' appointment to the Senate. He introduces a new segment, "Yahweh or No Way," discussing Burris, Pat Robertson and Neale Donald Walsch. He then talks about Jason Chaffetz challenging him to a leg wrestling rematch. Finally, Colbert interviews Lawrence Lessig about copyrights and his book, Remix.

Colbert briefly mentions last night's Golden Globe Awards. He then discusses President Bush's final press conference, which leads to a report of a study that found women are attracted to men who appear confident. Next, he gives an update on his eagle "son," Stephen Jr. Finally, Colbert interviews Anthony Romero about Guantanamo Bay and the Bush presidency.

Colbert briefly mentions Treasury Secretary-designate Timothy Geithner not paying some of his taxes. In the "Cold War Update," he talks about Russia and Cuba. He then discusses some Great Britain people that are eating squirrels and puts "Limey Squirrel Eaters" "On Notice." Finally, Colbert interviews Niall Ferguson about economics.

Iranians burning pictures of Obama, over-marketing of Obama, interview with P. K. Winsome, Milky Way Galaxy has been found to be about the same size as the Andromeda Galaxy, national service.

Colbert discusses the relationship between the media and President Bush and interviews David Gregory about it. In "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger," he wags his finger at the New York Mets, tips his hat to PETA and wags his finger at Clearwater, Florida police. Finally, Colbert interviews Shepard Fairey about designing the Barack Obama "HOPE" poster.

Colbert cheers for his 500th episode. In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, he introduces the day's new mascot, Dreamy. He then discusses President Bush's legacy. Next, he interviews Frank Rich about Bush's presidency. Christine Ebersole then sings a farewell tribute to President Bush and his supporters. Finally, Colbert talks about the boiling frog story and places a frog skeleton on his shelf in honor of President Bush's last day.

Colbert discusses the inauguration of Barack Obama and speaks with P.K. Winsome. In "Stephen's Sound Advice," he tells Obama how to appear more "Lincoln-ish." Next, he interviews Jabari Asim about his book, What Obama Means. Finally, Colbert decides he is black because, along with other African Americans, Obama's inauguration meant something to him.

Colbert talks about Chief Justice Roberts incorrectly reciting President Obama's oath of office. He then discusses the 2012 presidential election and speaks with Chuck Todd via satellite about the Republican front-runners' chances. Next, he shows a video he created using a fan-made audio remix of his interview with Lawrence Lessig. Finally, Colbert interviews Elizabeth Alexander about poetry.

Colbert briefly comments on Caroline Kennedy withdrawing from consideration for Hillary Clinton's former Senate seat. He then talks about President Obama and Chief Justice Roberts redoing the oath of office. In "Un-American News: President Obama Edition," he discusses the world's reaction to Obama's inauguration. Next, in "Better Know a Lobby," he speaks with Benjamin Jealous about the NAACP. Finally, Colbert interviews Jon Meacham about Andrew Jackson and his book, American Lion.

Colbert discusses President Obama's decision to close Guantanamo Bay and secret CIA prisons, which causes him to release his prisoner. He then interviews Chris Mooney on the politics of science policy. In "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger," he tips his hat to Roe v. Wade, wags his finger at Indian marriage rituals and tips his hat to John Yarmuth. Finally, Colbert interviews Ed Young about sex and marriage.

Colbert talks about President Obama's interview on Al Arabiya. In "Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.," he discusses lung health, weight loss and corporate health. He then "interviews" Bill O'Reilly about Caroline Kennedy withdrawing from consideration for Hillary Clinton's former Senate seat using clip editing. Next, Colbert interviews Philippe Petit about his experiences as a tightrope walker. Finally, Colbert's prisoner returns and he reluctantly sets him free again.

Colbert discusses the Great Recession, which causes him concern about the decreased supply of chicken wings. In a new segment, Better Know a Beatle, he speaks with Paul McCartney about The Beatles and his new album, Electric Arguments. Finally, Colbert interviews Denis Dutton about art appreciation and evolution.

Colbert briefly mentions Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich being impeached. He then praises all Republicans in the U.S. House for voting against the economic stimulus package. In "Stephen Colbert's Sport Report", he discusses Super Bowl XLIII, its commercials and the buffalo wings shortage. He then speaks with Richard Lobb about the shortage. Finally, Colbert interviews John Podesta about President Obama's transition and progressivism.

Colbert talks about the Ledbetter law being passed. In "It Could Be Worse," he discusses the government of Iceland's collapse. In "Nailed 'Em," Colbert profiles a man who was arrested at Penn Station for taking pictures of Amtrak trains. Finally, he interviews Dan Zaccagnino about his website and remixing previous clips of Colbert.

Colbert talks about Tom Daschle withdrawing from consideration for Secretary of Health and Human Services. He then claims Michael Steele's selection as chairman of the Republican National Committee is irrelevant because Rush Limbaugh is the real leader of the Republican Party. In "Colbert Platinum: Ass-Covering Edition," he talks about John Thain, Richard Fuld and Marcus Schrenker. Finally, Colbert interviews Henry Louis Gates, Jr. about Abraham Lincoln.

Colbert berates Steve Martin for walking through his line of sight. In "Yahweh or No Way," he talks about Super Bowl XLIII, Fred Milani and Pope Benedict XVI. In "Who's Not Honoring Me Now," Colbert complains he hasn't won a Newbery Medal or the Bocuse d'Or, but feels good about his chances to win a Grammy Award. Finally, he interviews Steve Martin about his career and challenges him to a "read-off" and a "'Dueling Banjos'-off." The phrase next to Colbert in the opening credits changes to "SEVEN-INCH GANGLY WRENCH".

Colbert announces that UC Santa Cruz's marine lab named an elephant seal after him. He then discusses the contents of the economic stimulus bill and speaks with James Surowiecki about them. He then names the Boy Scouts of America the "Alpha Dog of the Week." Finally, Colbert interviews Jonah Lehrer about how humans make decisions. The phrase next to Colbert in the opening credits changes to "JUICE IT!"

Colbert claims Michael Steele should be appointed "word czar." The "ThreatDown:" 5. Michael Phelps! 4. Bill Gates! 3. Japanese Sewage! 2. Gay Divorce! 1. Shadow God! He then finds out he lost the Grammy Award for Best Spoken Word Album to Al Gore. Colbert then interviews TV on the Radio about their career. Finally, the band performs "Dancing Choose" from their latest album, Dear Science.

Colbert gets enraged over the cover of The Atlantic and the new Visa Black. He then discusses Republican Congressman Pete Sessions' claim that "insurgency may be required" to fight the Democrats. In "Shout Out!," Colbert praises Gene E. Robinson, John Sununu and one of his former security guards. Finally, he interviews Robert Ballard about his work in underwater archaeology.

Colbert complains that he didn't win the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. He then discusses a bill that would give the District of Columbia voting rights and speaks with Eleanor Holmes Norton about it. He then talks about a segment on Glenn Beck's show in which Beck's eyes were featured in close-up, which causes Colbert to show his colonoscopy. Finally, he interviews Steven Pinker about the human genome.

Colbert wishes Abraham Lincoln a happy 200th birthday. He then discusses Shepard Fairey suing the AP over the Barack Obama "Hope" poster and interviews David Ross and his brother, Ed Colbert, about it. In "The DaColbert Code," he predicts who will win Oscars. Colbert then interviews Adam Gopnik about the similarities between Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin. Finally, he bids farewell to Conan O'Brien.

Colbert discusses Mastermedia International urging people to pray for him today and prays for himself. He then talks about rising church attendance due to the Great Recession and speaks with James Martin about it. After testing his "moral dimension," he proclaims "The DaColbert Code" went 5-for-5 in predicting the Oscars. Finally, Colbert interviews Helen Fisher about matchmaking.

Colbert celebrates Mardi Gras. He then reacts to the Dow Jones Industrial Average reaching its lowest level since 1997. In "Stephen Colbert's Bears & Balls," he discusses Sbarro, Six Flags and Muzak. In "Nailed 'Em," he profiles a man who was arrested for sharing a buffet. Finally, Colbert interviews Cliff Sloan about his new book, The Great Decision.

Colbert discusses Bobby Jindal's response to President Obama's address to Congress, as well as the address itself. He then talks about Eric Holder's speech on race. In "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger," Colbert wags his finger at gorillas and Gandhi. Finally, he interviews John Fetterman about his city's financial troubles.

Colbert talks about Claire McCaskill using Twitter during President Obama's congressional address. He then discusses Obama's tax plan and the potential nationalization of banks. Colbert then talks about Michael Steele wanting the Republican Party to become more "hip hop." Next, he interviews Kris Kristofferson about his career. Finally, Kristofferson performs "Help Me Make It Through the Night."

Colbert briefly mentions New York's winter weather. He then talks about some people feeling cheated by Barack Obama commemorative coins and speaks with P.K. Winsome about his own commemorative plates. He then claims Michael Steele accepted his challenge for a "rap-off," but after Steele doesn't show up, he delivers a presentation called "The Rap Battle." Colbert then interviews David Byrne about his new album and career. Finally, Byrne performs "Life Is Long."

Colbert talks about a report of a correlation between beer pong the spread of herpes and complains the CDC called the report a hoax. He then discusses President Obama's plan to raise taxes on the rich to pay for universal health care. Next, he talks about police in Columbia, SC offering a "Guns for Roses" exchange program. He then announces that NASA is letting people decide the name of a module on the International Space Station and urges people name it after him. Finally, he interviews Mark Bittman about "conscious eating."

Colbert brags that his name is now ahead of Xenu in the vote to name a module on the International Space Station and claims that makes him Scientology's new galactic overlord. He then talks about "War Room," a segment on Glenn Beck's Fox News show. This leads to "Stephen Colbert's Doom Bunker," in which he speaks with Jack Jacobs and Stephen Moore about various doomsday scenarios. Finally, Colbert interviews Carl Wilson about his book, Let's Talk About Love.

Colbert briefly mentions President Obama installing a swing set outside the Oval Office. He then discusses various television pundits' reactions to the 2007–2008 financial crisis and speaks with Jim Cramer about it. In "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger," he tips his hat to Rush Limbaugh, theoretically wags his finger at Sean Hannity and wags his finger at God. Finally, Colbert interviews Steven Berlin Johnson about his book, The Invention of Air.

Colbert congratulates one of his writers on the birth of his son. He then discusses an online database that allows searches for concealed weapon permits in Tennessee. In "Better Know a District," he profiles Wyoming's At-large congressional district and speaks with its Congresswoman, Cynthia Lummis. Finally, Colbert briefly interviews Lisa Hannigan, who then performs her song, "I Don't Know."

Colbert talks about Michael Steele's troubles within the Republican Party. He then urges people to keep voting for his name to be on a new module on the International Space Station and discusses India and Iran's space plans. He then speaks, via satellite, to William Gerstenmaier about the Kepler Mission. Next, Colbert worries his coffee intake has been causing hallucinations. Finally, he interviews Jay Keasling about engineering bacteria to produce fuel.

Colbert first discusses President Obama's inconsistency on earmarks in Congressional legislation. Then he talks about how Obama is planning to tax the wealthy to pay for government programs, and how Republicans are continuing to cite Atlas Shrugged, the infamous book by Ayn Rand. In the segment Cheating Death, Stephen talks about the Supreme Court ruling against a drug company, sweat, and designer babies. Finally, he interviews Howard Fineman about his book "The Thirteen American Arguments."

Byron Dorgan doesn't believe in the kind of banking modernization that caused the Great Depression.

Katty Kay explains the significant value of women in the workplace, even though they work in different ways than men.

Eric Schlosser exposes the bizarre development of science-fiction factory farming systems over the last 30 years.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the co-founder and creative visionary of The Bible Illuminated, Dag Soderberg.

General Ray Odierno steps up to the plate to be Stephen's first guest in Iraq.

Stephen welcomes Sergeant Robin Balcom and Specialist Tareq Salha to his international desk of wisdom and truthiness.

Lieutenant General Charles Jacoby pays a visit to the Colbert Nation, which is coincidentally in Iraq for the time being.

Stephen wraps up his stay in Iraq with Command Sergeant Major Frank Grippe.

Austan Goolsbee takes a break from Obama's Council of Economic Advisers to talk shop with Stephen.

Jim Rogers electrifies The Colbert Report when the Duke Energy CEO joins Stephen for a chat.

Stephen proves he's fair and balanced by giving favorable news coverage of Barack Obama killing a fly.

Princeton Prof and White House poetry slam participant, Paul Muldoon hits Stephen with some of his words.

Promotional appearance by Jeff Goldblum. Simon Schama and Stephen discuss the author's new book, The American Future: A History.

Stephen first talks to former presidential candidate Howard Dean about health care reform, and wraps up the evening by chatting with Dave Kilcullen about his new book, The Accidental Guerilla.

Stephen joins Matthew Crawford on his journey from Ph.D to motorcycle repairman as they look through the author's debut tome, "Shop Class as Soulcraft."

Gay exorcism, Obama's promise to LGBT community, Prescription for America

Death of Michael Jackson, Mark Sanford, Census, Jeff Goldblum, Nova scienceNOW

Al Franken, War on the 4th of July, Soccer, Jimmy Carter

The Supreme Court takes its recess, and Nicholas Kristof crosses five lanes of busy traffic

Anderson Cooper's Michael Jackson exclusive, Climate change, Lost Treasures of Babylon

The end of Michael Jackson coverage. Stephen's Sound Advice - How to bork a nominee. Paul Rieckhoff

The Sotomayor Confirmation Hearings, Obama's health care plan, J. D. Salinger lawsuit

Governor Mark Sanford coverage. "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" - a wag at Leon Panetta, tip to the Texas Board of Education, tip to straight penguins. Difference Makers - Senator Doug Jackson

Emmy nomination announcements. Supreme Court neutrality. Cheating Death - diabetes, sports medicine, pain management

Death of Walter Cronkite. Reverse racism and personal responsibility with Geoffrey Canada. Sport Report - Tony Romo dropping Jessica Simpson, taekwondo champion Logan Campbell, UFC sponsorship

The Moon landing anniversary. Proposed torture prosecutions. Better Know A Lobby - ACORN

Solar eclipse in Asia, Matthew Waxman discusses assassination squads, Pope Benedict's hospitalization

Obama's health care plan and The Matrix. The "ThreatDown:" - 4. The US Senate!, 3. Henry Louis Gates!, 2. Bill Gates!, 1. Unemployed Wilford Brimley!

Sarah Palin steps down as Governor. "Stephen Colbert's Current Events" - Tasers. "Nailed 'Em" - Nazareth Library bans young Dominic Philip for living in the wrong district

Obama's response to the Henry Louis Gates incident and Teachable moments. "Womb Raiders" - Obama's birth certificate. Interview with Orly Taitz on the birther movement

Viacom reports a 2nd quarter profit fall, Stephen cuts costs and takes on roommate Frank. Media coverage of the Henry Louis Gates incident. "Stephen Colbert's Sport Report" - Lance Armstrong doesn't win the Tour de France, and Japan invents a robotic baseball pitcher and batter

Beer selections at the Henry Louis Gates summit. "Stephen Colbert's meTunes" - I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas, Birthday Sex by Jeremih and Fire Burning by Sean Kingston. "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" - wag at textbooks for political correctness, tip at Stephen Colbert for helping Movits! boost their Amazon sales ranking, wag at Stephen Colbert for giving Movits! too much publicity. A tribute to Gidget, the Taco Bell chihuahua.

Dominic Philip gets back his library card and a box of books as punishment. "Stephen Colbert's Bears & Balls" - the cost of health care reform. "Nailed 'Em" - Virginia student suspended for taking the pill on campus.

Merry Barackmas - Obama's 48th birthday. The 40th anniversary of the Woodstock Festival. David Wondrich discusses the history of cocktails and introduces the Colbert Bump cocktail.

Bill Clinton visits Korea to secure the release of two American journalists. Candidates for the 2010 midterms and interview with Pennsylvania congressman Joe Sestak. Shark Week returns to the Discovery Channel and shark coverage in the media.

Jeremih becomes the Chicago Public Schools new spokesman. Yahweh or No Way - a Florida judge clears the way for government seizure of creationist theme park Dinosaur Adventure Land, President Obama's ancestors may have been posthumously baptized by Mormons, and a New Jersey federal corruption probe results in the arrest of politicians and 5 rabbis accused of money laundering and an Orthodox Jewish man accused of kidney trading. Movies That Are Destroying America - G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Orphan, 2012, and Julie & Julia.

Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich discuss details of health care reform which don't appear in the bill. Cold War Update - President Obama turns off the electronic ticker at the diplomatic headquarters in Havana, Cuba runs low on toilet paper, and Vladimir Putin appears shirtless. Better Know a District profiles Maine's 1st district with Chellie Pingree.

Risks of texting while driving. Discussion of the upcoming elections in Afghanistan and interview with James Carville. Alpha Dog of the Week - Betty Lichtenstein of Connecticut awards herself a fake Nurse of the Year award from a non-existent organization at a phony awards ceremony.

Report that Americans would be willing to sacrifice their iPod to save the environment. Who's Not Honoring Me Now? - Sidney Poitier receives the Presidential Medal of Freedom, Sarah Palin receives the NRA's Gold Medal Award of Merit for the Promotion of Gun Collecting, and the Jonas Brothers get a haircut on the Teen Choice Awards. Formidable Opponent - shouting people down at town hall meetings. Playing for Change perform "Stand by Me".

Texas congresswoman Sheila Jackson-Lee takes a phone call during a cancer survivor's question at a town hall meeting. Glenn Beck loses sponsors over his comments on the President. Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. - Spinal Health - spinal injuries in rats mended by blue M&M's, Vitamins - U.S. children lacking vitamin D due to TV and computers, Women's Health - Wyeth Pharmaceuticals found to have hired ghost writers to author papers downplaying the risks of taking hormones for menopausal women. Mark Devlin discusses launching the BLAST telescope using weather balloons.

Obama's op-ed "Why We Need Health Care Reform", price of postage stamps, Better Know a District: Colorado's 2nd congressional district (Jared Polis), climate change

Afghan presidential election, 2009, Archie proposes to Veronica, Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger, The Evolution of God

Barney Frank's response in a town hall meeting about health care reform, sugar shortage in the US, Colbert Platinum: AIG's CEO planned vacation, Taking Woodstock

French town bans circus elephants from beach, anti-Obama items sold on eBay, world population projected to reach 7 billion in 2011, Chris Matthews running for Senate, The Kennedy Brothers documentary

Stephen stares at a goat by means of resurrecting a 1970s psychic military program, and interviews via satellite Jon Ronson, author of The Men Who Stare at Goats. In "Stephen Colbert's Sport Report" he tries to predict the football season's gossip with his "NFL wheel of scandal". Guest of the night Frank Bruni talks about his new book and how he got to become a food critic. The Wørd and the following montage is a good-bye devoted to executive producer of the show Allison Silverman.

Promotional appearance by Jeff Goldblum.

Discussion of Obama's Nobel Peace prize, "Why do other countries like Obama?" with Shashi Tharoor, Fallback Position with James Blake, discussion of Cheating Death with Dr. Sanjay Gupta

Stephen criticizes Going Rogue, calling it "a steaming pile of shit" in The Word. In Threat Down, he names himself as a Threat, saying that he angered Quetzacoatl by calling him a pussy in 2005, and he refuses to apologize. He interviews Norah Jones, and she sings.